I can't do this
by coralbones
Summary: An alternate version of the scene where Tess finds out Brendan is fighting again. Some cathartic hurt/comfort


Brendan locked the door behind him quietly, not wanting to wake the girls. He placed his keys on the side table by the door, and painfully made his way upstairs, praying that Tess was already asleep.

His wife was in fact asleep, her soft blonde hair curling around her face. Her breaths were steady. God, she was beautiful. He remembered how stupidly happy he was when they had first started dating near the end of high school. How badly his hands shook the whole night before he proposed to her. And now, she was here, sleeping in their bed. He loved her so much. And tonight he had let her down.

He slipped into the adjoining bathroom and eased the door until it was barely open, hoping that the light wouldn't wake her. In the harsh glare he could see just how badly he looked. He had showered in the locker room after the fight but fresh blood had seeped out of the gash on his chin. His face was bruised, the left eye swollen and a sickening shade of purple. When he took off his shirt he saw that his chest was also mottled. It was disgusting.

"Brendan?"

_Crap_

Tess gasped when she saw him. "Oh my god Brendan, what-"

"-Baby."

They stared at each other for a few moments, pure fear on her face. The flood of guilt that hit brendan was worse than any punch to the gut. He sat down on the edge of the tub and looked up at his wife. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Tess knelt down in front of him. "I thought you were done with fights." her voice was flat, the way it always was when she was trying to control her emotions. She paused. "How could you?" Her voice was so faint Brendan barely heard her.

She pressed her palms to her eyes and took a deep, measured breath.

"Tess, Tess," he soothed. He took her hand but it lay limply in his palm. When she looked up her face told him everything. He had disappointed her. He hurt her in a way he promised them both he never would. He could feel his heart being ripped apart. "I have to do this."

She stood up and leaned against the sink. "No Brendan. No. Don't tell me you have to."

"They'll take our house Tess,we can't afford-"

"Let them take the house! Jesus Christ!"

"I can't just sit here and do nothing, I need to be useful!"

"You won't be useful if you get fucking killed!"

The silence was heavy and hung darkly over them. Finally, Tess spoke, quieter this time. "Brendan you know it could happen. You know it." She moved back towards him and sat beside him on the edge of the tub. This time she was the one who reached for his hand.

"I'll be careful," he said, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. He wouldn't lie to her now by telling her that nothing would happen. He knew better than to promise something like that.

"But it doesn't come down to you being careful," she whispered, "does it?"

They were both quiet for a moment.

She looked at him, studying his bruises. Eventually she relented. "Can we talk about this in the morning?"

"Yeah, of course."

She gave his hand a final squeeze and without a further word she padded back into their bedroom.

Brendan's head fell into his hands. What has he done?

Tess was curled up on her side of the bed, her back towards the middle. Brendan slipped under the covers, and turned to look at her. He wanted to say something, to apologize, to reassure her, he wasn't sure. But her shoulders faced him and he wouldn't know where to start. He turned over, his back facing hers. It was a lonely way to lie in bed with your wife, and he hated it. He lay awake, wondering what to say to her in the morning.

Only a minute or so had passed when he felt the other side of the bed shift. Tess's arm slid over his abdomen and she placed her hand over his chest, her hand gripping his shirt. She pressed her body to his, holding him tightly.

Brendan turns over and gathers Tess in his arms, pulling her as close to him as he can. She rests her forehead against the place where his neck and shoulder meet.

"Oh Tess," he murmured, "I'm so sorry baby." He stroked her hair, trying to put into words how much he hated hurting her.

She tilted her head upwards and kissed him gently. When she pulled away Brendan followed her, giving her one more linger kiss. Their lips remained just a fraction away from touching, and he could feel her light breath on his skin.

"I don't think you realize," she started, "just how scared I am of you getting hurt. I can't do this Brendan, I can't raise the girls alone, or-" she broke off. "I just can't." She paused, shook her head and sighed. "I'm sorry to have brought this up, I was the one who asked to wait until morning. I understand why you feel like you have to, and I love you for it. But I can't live like this."

Brendan nodded. "You should rest, I've kept you up long enough. I promise we'll talk in the morning, okay?"

She curled into him. "I love you."

"I love you too, Tess. More than anything. You and the girls, you're all I want." He didn't say things like this often enough. They were always affectionate, he always made sure she knew how much she meant to him, but he didn't say these words as often as he should. "I love you so, so much Tess."

She smiled into his collarbone. "Goodnight Brendan."

"Goodnight, baby."


End file.
